sophalicious

In the face of a traumatic event, victims are expected to act a certain way. To react in a way that we have deemed acceptable. We have turned victimhood into a spectator sport.
So what does it mean to be the ‘perfect victim’?

The perfect victim theory is a harmful construct that defines a victim as weak, passive and innocent. Someone who reports any abuse they may have faced immediately after facing it. This means that when we see a victim who does not behave the way we have decided they should, they are automatically dismissed for not upholding these expectations.
So, are they realistic?

The short answer is no, but why?
For one, not everyone reacts to trauma the exact same way. We have removed individuality from the scope of victimhood, and suddenly the attitude is everyone has to conform to the ideal. How can we, realistically, expect everyone to respond to trauma in a way that is somehow more digestible to us? Or maybe the better question to ask is, why do we expect someone’s trauma to be digestible to us at all?
If we were to approach this topic realistically, then it should only be understood that we are not exact replicas of each other. The way that I may respond to something traumatic, for example, may not be the way you handle the same situation. That is only human. Yet we expect conformity because conformity is a comfort. We fear what we cannot understand, so we have no desire to understand it at all.

What I’m trying to say is that we expect to be able to digest other people’s trauma and we expect conformity because it is easier. The expectation that someone should be passive, innocent and weak is the one that simply makes sense. It allows us to turn a blind eye to the complexities of certain traumas. It allows us to remain blind to it entirely. It is easier to pretend it isn’t happening than confront it head on.
So when victims don’t perform the way they’re supposed to, there is a guaranteed fallout.

Speaking from experience, reporting abuse is not always an easy thing to do. In fact, many victims of any trauma may choose to never report it at all.
This is somehow hard for people to stomach.
But the world is changing. The attitude is changing. There have, of course, been instances where false accusations have been seen in court. However, the percentage of this is small. For sexual assault cases alone in Ireland, only 2-10% of accusations made were actually found to be false. Domestic violence is roughly the same. But with this now coming to light, we are less inclined to believe victims.
So how can we expect them to report abuse if the outcome will be public outcry, humiliation and blame?
I do not make this point to minimise the severity of false accusations, of any regard. I believe that falsely accusing anyone of sexual or domestic violence is abhorrent behaviour that should be punishable by law.
I do, however, believe that we have used this as a scapegoat. To bully victims into reporting crimes just to turn around and say that they are lying. To further victimise the true victims via the justice system.

We then want to turn around and demand weakness and passiveness and innocence from victims of these crimes, which simply proves that the expectation lies within those lucky enough to never be victims of the same.
Someone who has survived sexual or domestic violence can in no way be perceived as weak. Especially if they do make the difficult decision to pursue further action and face their abuser in court.
So why is weak an expectation at all?
If you were to ask me, I’d say it’s because of the white knight complex. Where the need is felt to fix, rescue or somehow save a person. A saviour complex, if you will. It is only natural to be faced with someone harbouring a traumatic past and feel a need to help, but where is the line drawn? Well, that is all within intention. Do you want to help because you care for the person, or because you care for your own ego? Is it coming from a place of genuine love, or a physiological need to be loved and to be needed?
If you are not weak, you do not need saving. And for anyone with a saviour complex, this simply won’t do. And so the expectation, in a sense, is then placed on the victim to tend to someone else’s needs, and thus comes the expectation to conform. This only creates a relationship rooted in unhealthy codependency.

And this is where victims sometimes stop being the ‘perfect’ victim. Some enjoy being the victim, some enjoy being saved. The white knight can sometimes meet the princess trapped in the tower, and she is knowingly putting herself in the tower so he will rdie in and save her. And he gets on the horse every time.
Sometimes, the formation of this codependency feeds into a preexisting victim complex. Where the need to be vulnerable exists within the victims of these traumas and is amped up for show.
We are quick to demonise those who may carry themselves this way, but this is only natural. Those who suffer with a victim complex are unsurprisingly driven by past traumas and a low self esteem.
Who knew?

So some victims conform to the societal expectation, some throw themselves further into their trauma, some make jokes, some are stronger for it and the list goes on. There is no set blueprint for how a victim should behave, what they should do or when they should do it. No one should be expected to make themselves smaller and easier to digest due to your inherent fear of what you cannot grasp.
As someone who has experienced trauma, I refuse to perform for anyone. The ways in which I chose to react and how I chose to cope are mine to understand and require justification from no one. You do not have to understand it, nor are you entitled to.

To summarise, there is no perfect victim. There are only victims. How you choose to respond to that when faced with it is up to you, but minding your business goes a long way. And if you know anyone who has experienced trauma, it doesn’t hurt to ask what they need from you if you want to be there for them. Some may just want you to laugh about it with them.
Cause if you don’t laugh, you’ll cry.