sophalicious

I should begin with an explanation as to what an attachment style is. “Attachment style” is a term used to describe characteristics of behaviours displayed in relationships, especially when that relationship may somehow be threatened.
Now, this being said, your relationship doesn’t have to be on the brink of collapse for these behaviours to show. It is merely mainly associated with this point of the relationship as that’s when the behaviours will heighten.

It took me a long time to understand what it means to have an anxious attachment style. The official definition boils down to having a deep rooted fear of abandonment and a low self worth, meaning you are constantly worried that your partner will leave or that you are not good enough.
It took me even longer to realise that this is the attachment that I hold.

Having this attachment style can often feel like a humiliation ritual. I have always been adamant on never begging for anything, but when I feel someone pulling away from me, I feel the urge to beg for them to stay and beg to somehow be different.
As though there’s something wrong with me.
Additionally, I can feel myself spiralling when the silence goes on too long. If I don’t hear back within a certain timeframe, suddenly I am being cheated on or I am being ghosted or something horrible is happening (even if my brain can’t quite pin what that horrible thing is).

To be candid, the reason that I’m writing this at all is because I feel the spiralling begin. I feel the worry creeping up on me. I feel the storm clouds invading my brain, and suddenly it’s hard to think clearly. It feels as though I merely live in limbo until the spiral ends, whether it be through my own self-awareness or by other means.
It is hard for me to deal with this spiral unless I keep myself busy. It is hard to focus even on the writing without checking my phone every five seconds. The fix, I realise, is to simply ask for the reassurance I am seeking, but I often wonder what good that will do.
In my head, whether it be rational or not, asking for the reassurance and then receiving it feels performative. How could you really mean the words you say if I’m asking you to say them? This line of thinking often leaves me trapped in a constant state of wondering – a mindset I am keeping myself in almost as though to punish myself for wrongdoings that don’t exist.

I crave intimacy. I crave communication, conversation, comfort. I crave it all. Yet in the back of my head, I find myself consistently wondering if I am even deserving of it at all. How could I, when I am being so needy?
Being needy isn’t even a bad thing. It is okay, natural, to need comfort and reassurance. It is only human to want to feel wanted and appreciated, so why won’t I allow myself the same? If I had to answer, I would say it is because every time I find myself asking for reassurance, I feel as though I am merely being irritating. Like my overthinking and desire for comfort is burdening those who care for me, and I should therefore punish myself by sitting in the discomfort I feel. As though that would somehow bring comfort to them.

The worst part is knowing that none of what I am thinking is rational. That my discomfort, if I am truly cared for, would bring comfort to no one. That no one desires me to feel uncomfortable and insecure. That I can talk to them.
But can I?
After all, we all have our own lives and our own worries and insecurities and our own discomfort to deal with. And so what if the space isn’t there to allow me to ask to be comforted? Would I be perceived as selfish for wanting that comfort anyway?

Realistically, I don’t know what I hope to gain from writing this. I suppose, in a sense, it can provide some insight into the mind of someone with an attachment style such as mine. Maybe it just provides a bit of insight into me and who I am. Maybe it can serve as a reminder to be kind, be reassuring, be mindful of those we are close with. It may open the door for conversations to be had about what is desired and needed in people’s own relationships.
And maybe I am shooting for the stars by hoping that is the impact that is had by this piece.
I have been told it is brave, impactful, inspiring to open myself up to people the way that I do through my writing. That it resonates, that people understand, that what I’m doing is good. And so maybe writing what appears to be a nonsensical rant is of benefit. Maybe it simply makes for good reading. It is hard to tell.

If you’re reading this, I’m resisting the urge to call you. I’ll probably call you anyway.