sophalicious

If you have ever struggled with depression, you may be familiar with the description of it being a dark cloud that looms over you while the rest of the world appears to be experiencing the rays of the sun. It can be a daunting feeling, to feel as though you’re the only one in the eye of the storm. It can be even worse when you don’t know how to deal with it.
I have struggled with severe depression for a better part of my formative years and the majority of my adult years. I have spoken to professionals and I have coped alone. The purpose of this post is to grant a little insight as to how to maybe better cope with this feeling. I will preface this by saying that this is not a ‘one size fits all’ scenario, and some of what I suggest may not work for you.

The first thing that is important to recognise in dealing with depression is that healing is not linear. You will often find yourself having a good day, a good week, a good month or even a good year before it eventually creeps back to the surface. It is important to recognise that this is okay. This is not necessarily a setback, so much as it is a chemical imbalance in the brain. And so, as hard as you may find it when this does creep back in, you have to be kind to yourself. You are, at the end of the day, only human.
I won’t lie to you and say that it won’t feel horrible. Or that recognising this very simple fact will be easy when it hits you. It will feel as though any progress you made has been thrown out of the window and that you’re somehow right back in the hole you pulled yourself out of. It’s a difficult feeling to sit with, and it takes time, but eventually you will be able to allow yourself to recognise this as a natural part of healing. Once you can make this realisation, the darkness will ease up, if only slightly.
What can help get you there – to recognising that healing is not a linear process – is actually to simply repeat this to yourself. Write it down, say it aloud, tap it out in morse code if you need to. Sometimes, speaking things into existence is the best thing you can do.

It brings me quite nicely to my next point, that talking about it is one of the big things that can help you cope with it. And I realise this is the most overused piece of advice you may read today, but people really do overlook how much of a weight is lifted when you can speak about what’s on your mind.
Admittedly, it’s part of the reason why I started this blog in the first place.
You don’t have to necessarily speak to a professional if this isn’t your cup of tea. It isn’t for everyone. If you choose to do so, I will say that sometimes it can take a while to find a good therapist and sometimes it’s a match made in heaven from the jump. Don’t be scared to stop seeing a therapist if you feel as though they are not benefitting you or providing you with what you need.
However, if you’re reading this and thinking to yourself “I really don’t feel comfortable with therapy, it wouldn’t be for me,” there’s other things you can do. I am a big believer in having someone you can talk to, as sometimes a perspective from someone who isn’t in the storm can be really beneficial. A close friend, a family member, the people that you work with if you should be so lucky to be close with them, the choice is yours. And it is important to remember that your mental health and wellbeing is of no burden to those who care for you, and anyone who makes you feel as though you are burdening them is not the friend or partner they may make themselves out to be. Someone who truly cares for you will never be burdened by you. They will carry your baggage alongside their own if they can.

This being said, it is important to still remain somewhat mindful. While being selfish is not inherently a bad thing, and being selfish is sometimes what protects your own mental wellbeing the most, people do have their own struggles too. And although, to people like us, it may appear as though they have no worries or stressors – we are not in their heads. What I found to be helpful is gauging if they have the space to take on what I want to say – a simple ask can go wonders. And that can be scary and nerve-racking and you may find yourself wanting to bottle it all up instead. I encourage you to take the step and to ask the question since as I said before, someone who truly cares for you will help you carry it if they can. And if they care about you, they will tell you if they can’t.
And if they can’t – this is not the end of the world. It took me a while to learn to be open with my boyfriend (and admittedly, I still have a lot to learn when it comes to my own struggles), and so when I didn’t want to unload onto him, I’d journal instead. That way, if he wanted to know what was going on in my head and had the space to hear it, I could sit him down and have him read the journal entries. It would then open up the floor for me to go into things on a deeper, more personal level. Until eventually, I found the courage to talk to him openly, no journal intervention required. This may be an option for you. Journalling as a whole can be really beneficial if you’re still of the opinion that you would rather not tell people what’s going on.

This brings me to my next piece of advice – be selfish. You have earned that right. My biggest struggle would be that I would put everyone before myself, and I admit that sometimes I still do. Even now, as I’m writing this, I’m reminding myself that it’s okay to be selfish in what I need and what I want. You can do this too. It can sometimes feel very scary and you may find yourself apologising for being selfish. Unless it is directly, intentionally hurting other people, you do not need to apologise.
When I say be selfish, do what is right by you. You know best what you need. Don’t be scared to tell people what you need from them. If you need them to listen to you without advising you, tell them. If you need their advice, tell them. If you need to be left alone, tell them. You are the decider of the role other people play in your journey. It is important to try and remind yourself not to let anyone steamroll over this and overstep their bounds.
It is only natural for people to want to help, but you are not a bad person for telling them if they’re not helping at all.

And this is the final point I will make. Depression will often have you telling yourself that everything you are doing for yourself somehow makes you a bad person. These uncomfortable feelings that we get by being selfish and for asking for what we need, they often serve as a way to reiterate that we are deserving of nothing and that we are horrible people. Do not listen to this voice in your head when it inevitably starts talking to you – it doesn’t know what it’s talking about.
If you would like to look at it pragmatically – humans are not inherently bad people. There’s good in all of us, why would that not exist for you? I don’t even know you, and I can see that in you. Looking after yourself does not make you a bad person. Struggling does not make you a bad person. Look at it as though you were not in it – you wouldn’t believe someone to be a bad person because they are struggling and trying their best to look out for them, so why would you believe it of yourself?

I recognise all of this is a lot easier said than done, and it is a long road ahead. You are not walking this road alone, I am right there with you. And eventually, you will find yourself on a sunnier path.