sophalicious

In a world engrossed by social media, dating has only become more complex. It is rare to authentically meet a person. We are now reliant on digital likes on carefully composed profiles, and dating has become a popularity contest. It can be difficult to tap back into a more traditional way of dating, where meeting people authentically is valued more than the little hearts we see on our phone screens.
So, rather than trying to revert, how do we evolve the way in which we approach dating?
I am not a dating coach by any means, however I consider myself a romantic in a sense. I believe that dating apps have truly become the root of the problem – the reason why romance has slowly died over time.
It doesn’t mean it has to stay dead.

Online dating has had some success stories over time. Some of which I’ve heard personally, some of which have been discussed via the likes of TikTok or really any social media platform, where parading your dating success story only earns you more likes. It can be misleading, in a sense.
I can admit that when I was on dating apps, I was given more attention than my male counterparts. I recall setting up a Hinge profile on my work break one day and within that half an hour break, I had received an obscene number of likes without the profile even being fully set up.
How many of those were genuine people, and how many were bots placed to encourage me to keep swiping?
What we don’t realise about dating apps is there are bot profiles, designed specifically to encourage app engagement. The creators of these apps are directly profiting from your search for a genuine connection (should that be what you are seeking.) So even though I can admit that I received a high number of likes very quickly after setting up a profile, I can also admit that the likelihood of all of those profiles being real people is very slim.
So why do we rely on these apps at all?

I believe, partially, that it is driven by ego. We want to know that we are desirable on the surface, this is only natural. We want to know that we are wanted by someone out there, regardless of who that may be. We enjoy knowing these things, even if we do nothing with them. I don’t believe there is any point in necessarily shaming someone for wanting the ego boost, as we’ve all been there in one sense of the word. But if the need to boost our egos wasn’t there, would we rely on these apps nearly as much as we do right now?
That being said, they are also convenient. We have become almost allergic to going out and meeting people authentically – we would much rather form connections from the comfort of our beds. So while yes, to an extent, dating apps are feeding our egos, they are also allowing us to remain comfortable. Not only do we know we are wanted and desired, we are also not having to make nearly as much effort to meet someone new. They are trapped within the messages on our screens instead.
Is this necessarily a bad thing?

I would argue it is neither good or bad. I believe that for those who may be like myself – incredibly shy when it comes to meeting new people – this can be of a benefit. It is a lot less harrowing to talk to pixels on a screen than it is to talk to a stranger face to face.
However, it does carry its negatives too. While benefitting some, it is harming others. If you are a woman, you know how scary the first date can be with any man you’ve only met online. Your best friends have your location, you’re planning on meeting in a public place, you’re planning every possible way you could escape if needed. You’re hoping to god you haven’t been catfished, that you’re not about to be kidnapped or harmed in some way, that you’ll come back from the date alive.
And this is solely speaking as a woman. I can admit that men have often been on the receiving end of catfishing or financial scams – where women have used them for a free meal, for example. However, women are killed way more frequently on their dates than men are. See, for example, Grace Millane. She was a British backpacker killed on a tinder date in New Zealand.
So, online dating definitely has its downfalls.
It allows some very evil, horrible people to portray themselves as beautiful, harmless people just to pray on people who are looking to either get back into the dating scene or to step into it for the first time. But on the flip side, it allows a way for people who may not have the means to go out, or simply don’t want to go out, to meet people and form connections from their comfort zone.
It cannot be bracketed as a pure good or a pure bad form of dating. Simply just another form.

So, to revert back to my original question, how do we evolve the way we approach dating?
Because, what makes online dating so appealing is knowing that the people on these apps that you are matching with are also single and looking for something similar to you. (At least for the most part!) Approaching people, whether it be on a night out or just in passing in town, is wandering into the unknown.
But, rejection can help build confidence. It is okay to be rejected. To approach someone you find attractive and be told they have a partner for example, or that they’re simply not interested at all. It can sound like the most daunting, embarrassing thing in the world – but when will you ever see that beautiful stranger again? If we allow ourselves to become so reliant on talking to pixels, and swiping on people as though it were a game, we will never feel comfortable enough to talk to people in person.
So instead of relying on dating apps, simply use them as a crutch. Or any online interaction. We don’t have to necessarily find our success story on them, but we can at least garner an understanding on what to say and what not to say. For those who are new to the dating scene, it can help you figure out what you’re looking for – what your dating ideals are. It is another way in which dating apps can be of benefit.

I realise that maybe I sound too idealistic.
Because at the end of the day, how you meet a person doesn’t matter. While we hear of success stories and stories of how people fell in love at first sight, it is all simply down to trial and error.
So, what advice can I offer?

Aside from weaning off a reliance when it comes to dating apps, I would also advise to allow your confidence to grow.
Whether you are a man or a woman, a lack of confidence can be the most obvious thing about you. Whether it be online or socially, it is recognisable when someone isn’t sure of themselves. When they aren’t confident in the way in which they’re approaching you.
A lack of confidence is not a shameful thing. Like a flower, all it needs is tending to in order to blossom. And that time comes for everyone. Allow yourself the time to blossom. Allow yourself to feel unsure, to trial and to face error, and to become more assured in the ways you approach dating. Take a romantic approach, take a nonchalant approach, take whatever approach fits you the best. It may not guarantee you immediate success, but it will benefit you to feel more confident in yourself and to begin to take any rejection on the chin. You will feel better about yourself overall, whether it be in regards to dating or not.

People seem to believe they are somehow running out of time. You are not. Just because people around you may be living life differently, confident and in relationships for example, doesn’t mean you have ran out of time. There is no rush. Allow things to move and develop at whatever pace you are comfortable with.
Once you learn to stop measuring yourself against what your peers are doing, things become easier. Not only that, but it can save you from sticking yourself into a toxic situation just because it is comfortable.

Many people can find themselves running in the same circles with the same toxic people just because it is easier than being alone, especially when it may feel as though everyone they know is in a relationship of sorts. And this is where the confidence comes in as well, because a lacking in confidence can also motivate us to settle for less than what we deserve.
No one deserves to be constantly questioning where they stand. It is important to remember that a person who truly cares for you would not ever allow you to question your position in their life, or your standing in their mind. It is okay to walk away when you are being treated as though you are not important.
It is equally okay to walk away if you have simply decided you do not want it anymore, whatever the situation may be.

Overall, learning to stop crutching on dating apps while also staying in tune with ourselves can be the biggest benefits when it comes to dating, at least from my own experience.
If you choose to continue using solely dating apps or any social media to form connections, I advise you be vigilant. Keep yourself safe, physically and mentally.
If you have read this post and decided that maybe I make a bit of sense, challenge yourself. Try and approach dating from a more traditional standpoint – good, old fashioned conversation on the street or in a pub or in a restaurant you happen to have stumbled into. Try not to ignore the very real, potential connections standing right in front of you.

Wherever you may find your success story, which you will, just do what is best for you. What keeps you safe, happy, and feeling good within yourself and within any relationship you may form. That is all the advice I believe that I can give.