sophalicious

Perhaps it is just me, but I have recently noticed a change where nonchalance has become the new norm. We, as a society, have decided that openly expressing feelings of any description is somehow a bad thing. That doing so makes us weaker.
And why is that?
Why are we so comfortable with internalising our emotions, whether they be good or bad? Who is truly benefitting from us doing so?

I understand that for men especially, open displays of emotions such as sadness or anger or hurt leaves them open to being perceived as weak. That they are somehow not truly men for feeling the things they do. I would even go so far as to say that they are perceived as more ‘feminine’ if they do display their emotions.
To that, I raise two questions. One, why are we so comfortable defining men as weaker for feeling? Two, why is feeling automatically associated with femininity?

To answer question number one, it all brackets into what we define as ‘masculine’. We are all familiar with gender roles, and therefore the majority of us should be familiar with the ideology that men are supposed to be tough. They are supposed to be providers, protectors and in positions of power. More importantly, they are supposed to have incredible emotional restraint. Now, of course, I believe this to be too rigid of an idea as to what men should be, but it is the mindset that is carried throughout many men.
I mean, how many men can say they were told to simply “man up” anytime they cried while they were growing up?
Masculinity carries an idea of stoicism. It is not necessarily discouraging having emotions or enduring hardship, but simply not allowing it to come to the surface. Many may see this as admirable, but expecting stoicism to be the standard is boxing men into loneliness and mental hardship simply because they are conditioned to believe an open display of emotion is inherently weak. It is inherently feminine.

This leads me to question two, why is feeling automatically associated with femininity?
Well, because it is what we expect of women. Speaking as a woman, I am not shy with displaying my emotions openly, regardless of what they are. I’m sure many women can comfortably say the same. We are perceived to be the more emotional sex. We are not expected to be stoic, we are in fact expected to crumble openly throughout any hardship we may endure. We are expected to be warm and empathetic and emotional.
And so, whether we agree with it or not, vulnerability is a feminine trait. Shamelessly feeling whatever it is that we feel is a feminine trait. So why is that a bad thing?

Patriarchal standards are why this is a bad thing. You don’t have to necessarily agree with the ideology of the patriarchy to understand that it has impacted the modern, ever-evolving world so heavily. Patriarchal systems have often perceived feminine traits as weaker, less desired traits. It values strength and stoicism and all the traits associated with masculinity above anything remotely feminine.
And, in a sense, I can understand why.
Women are carers. We are vulnerable. We feel things and we feel them deeply and openly. This can often be confused with a lack of strength or competence.
So, if men are expected to be strong, competent and tough it is understandable why the mindset would be pushed that they should swallow their feelings down. As within the eyes of society, they will be weaker men if they don’t. They will be feminine men if they don’t.

Who does this benefit?
It certainly doesn’t benefit the man. Now, some men may be content with this ideology and may be more than happy to remain nonchalant, regardless of circumstance. It doesn’t mean that should be the standard.
Practicing this mindset of nonchalance can lead to mental challenges and strained relationships. Forcing yourself to simply ‘man up’ can lead to stress, anxiety and depression. And when you think about it, this can only be expected. Men could experience something incredibly traumatic and life changing and simply never talk about how they feel about it, because it is seen as weak to do so. And to deal with huge life challenges or trauma on your own can lead to impacts on your mental health. How could we expect anything less? Ignoring, or swallowing down emotions can lead to impacts on physical health as well, such as hypertension.
Bottling up emotions, or not allowing yourself to display them openly, can also lead to appearing distant within relationships, therefore causing them to strain. It is not somehow more masculine or admired to appear disinterested or distant. It simply leaves the people in your life wondering why the relationship is not held in as high regard as they hold it themselves. Speaking, again, as a woman, I can say that appearing disinterested would not in any way strengthen a relationship with me. I value a level of openness and vulnerability. I value feeling valued and cared for. I cannot speak for all women, but I can imagine a lot of women hold the same values as me. So, how can we expect to hold strong relationships if we are so afraid to feel? If we are so afraid to be sensitive?
Sensitivity is only seen as a weak trait because it is one expected of women. But sensitivity and feeling are only human. It is due to our own failure that basic human characteristics have been assigned gender roles.
I understand that there is a certain biological component to this too. My intent is not to deny biology and place the blame fully on patriarchal systems and societal mindset. However, we are all biologically wired to feel emotion. So, to suggest that men should not be allowed to do so openly because it is ‘weak’ and ‘feminine’, that is ignoring biology.

In a perfect world, we could change this by simply redefining what it means to be masculine. We can recognise emotional intelligence as a strength in itself. We can recognise that to have emotional intelligence as opposed to a fear of emotion is strong in itself. That it takes a certain level of strength to be open with the way you feel.
But perhaps this is easy for me to say, when the societal standards expect me to be emotional at every turn.
But also, the only times I’ve seen men be characterised as weak simply for feeling has always been from other men. So, maybe when todays men have spent their whole lives internalising the mindset that to be emotional is to be feminine, weak, there is no hope of changing that at all.

I don’t expect the world’s mindset to change simply because I am writing about it. Simply because I would want to live in a world where little boys and little girls are treated equally for feeling what is only natural to feel. Where men and women are not characterised as weaker beings for having feelings. That would be simply unrealistic.
However, I do believe it to be interesting that this is the mindset that we have. Where humans have apparently become so easy to understand that we are capable of categorising each complexity we hold as a mere gendered trait or stereotype. That our desire to be perceived a certain way has taken such a hold that it will dictate even the way we feel the emotions that our brains are programmed to feel.

Do I believe that things would be easier if we gave up this way of thinking? Absolutely I do. And maybe that’s too idealistic of me.
Do I agree with the patriarchal stance that women are weaker for feeling, and men will be looked at as weaker for doing it too? Of course I don’t. I would encourage every man to feel openly and freely, without worrying of the judgement that may follow for doing so. I would argue the point of emotional intelligence being a strength. It does not necessarily erase the patriarchal standard that argues against the very opposite.

It is a sad pill to swallow. And maybe this can serve as a somewhat encouragement within itself to be more open with the way we feel, regardless of our gender. Perhaps we can recognise that nonchalance and stoicism are not always the way to go. That to feel anything at all is a beautiful thing that shouldn’t be hidden for any reason at all.
Or maybe this will serve no purpose at all. Maybe it will simply be ignored because it is a woman discussing it, as though she can understand the male experience. Trust me, I am aware that I cannot.

However it may be received, I just found it interesting.