sophalicious

Eldest daughter syndrome is a colloquial term used to describe the pressure, responsibility and parentification often felt by firstborn daughters. It often leads to traits of perfectionism, people-pleasing, high anxiety and even sometimes resentment. It may not be an official health diagnoses, per se, but highlights a common, gendered family dynamic where the eldest acts as a third parent or caregiver.
And what is not often acknowledged about this particular issue is the fact that it is often a role forced upon you from childhood, and the traits don’t ever ease up in adulthood.

It is an interesting topic for me to talk about, being an eldest daughter myself. One quick google search into the term and I recognise the traits in myself almost immediately. The trait of perfectionism seeps into everything I do, including writing. Including writing this particular piece.
I feel as though this gives me somewhat of a leverage. With it not being an official diagnosis of any particular mental disorder, or classified as one itself, there is minimal research and understanding that can be gained on such a topic. And if you are able to find anything relating to it, it was produced by an eldest daughter. So, it allows me room to talk about it freely.
And talk about it I shall.
This is the obligatory mention that I am not necessarily an expert, and a lot of what I will draw from is personal to my own experience.

To first delve into the traits on a more neutral standpoint, how do they carry into adulthood?
Parentification can be a mix. You may have grown up with the idea placed on you that you are required to be the emotional anchor for your family. You may have grown up with the idea that you are a live-in mediator to all familial conflicts. Some may grow up to feel a strong sense of leadership and strong capabilities in handling responsibility. Some may feel as though they grew up too fast and had too much burdened on them from a young age. Effectively, you either grow to handle the weight of it all or feel it crushing you with every breath you take.
Perfectionism can sometimes lead to diligence in the work you do or produce. Sometimes it can leave you with an overwhelming need to be in control, and for things to go the way you have envisioned them. There can be a pressure to follow all rules down to the letter, have your achievements be of the highest standards and there can be a need to manage the emotions of others too.
Anxiety can follow anyone regardless of upbringing. However, growing up with eldest daughter syndrome can leave you with anxiety surrounding setting boundaries. Saying no can be as painful as having teeth pulled. Prioritising yourself over others can feel as though you have committed a severe crime and can leave you with an uncomfortable feeling in your stomach. The anxiety that stems from this particular issue is all surrounding the opinion of others. There is a need to strive for approval, and an anxiety when it feels as though this isn’t received.

This is just the tip of the iceberg. If this is how the traits carry into adulthood, what are the impacts it can have?
A lot of people who may experience eldest daughter syndrome may grow to feel resentment. Feelings of growing up too soon, missing out on childhood, that can all build into a hatred for the parents that raised you. Because why should your siblings get the life you were robbed of?
It is difficult to navigate relationships, especially romantic, for those with this upbringing. It can go one of two ways. As mentioned, there can be a need for control. For rules to be followed and for standards to be met. This mentality alone can be damaging to any healthy relationship, and can often spiral it into one of toxicity. However, it can also produce the need to be a caregiver again. To, in a sense, mother your partner as mothering is all you’ve known. This in itself can feel as suffocating as the need to control, and can also spiral an otherwise healthy relationship into one of toxicity.
And finally, burnout. A chronic stress from constantly trying to be ‘good’, responsible and mature. When stress is not managed, regardless of where it comes from, it manifests into burnout. Suddenly there is no motivation to do anything at all. The emotional exhaustion soon manifests into physical.
So, the impacts can be detrimental within their own right.

How does eldest daughter syndrome affect me?
Even answering that question leaves a lump in my throat. I feel my upbringing led to me being very quiet and complacent, and therefore complaining was unusual for me. Standing up for myself was practically unheard of. And so to speak candidly about how my own upbringing has shaped me can be a terrifying thought.
This, however, is part of the problem I have always faced. It is only in recent years that I have learned that standing up for myself does not somehow make me evil. That I am allowed to speak freely and no one is going to think any less of me for doing so.
But for a while, I did find it easier to just keep my mouth shut and nod my head in agreement, even if I disagreed with whatever I was blindly agreeing to. I suppose there was a certain amount of anxiety surrounding the idea of fighting for myself. Finding my own two feet and standing on them, rather than teaching everyone else how to stand on theirs.

That being said, I am not perfect. I still find myself agreeing where agreeing is easier to do because I cannot stomach the thought of fighting. I still struggle with fighting for the things I deserve and for sticking up for myself because I worry that I will be liked less for doing so. That everything I have will suddenly implode for doing so, and I will be left alone.
I am slowly learning to recognise that fighting for myself is not a bad thing, and anyone who treats it as such is not worth keeping around in the first place.

I cannot lie though and say that is has not often left me feeling neglected, with an inability to express the same. I have often accepted less than what I deserve, in relationships especially, due to solely wanting approval. Wanting affection. Being worried that this will be taken away for wanting more, for wanting what is deserved.
It has sometimes left me feeling as though I overdeliver in relationships to under receive. I can safely say I haven’t felt that for a long time.

However, there is anxiety within my relationships. Knowing that I have always taken on a caregiver role makes me worried that I project that into my personal relationships. There is a constant war in my mind, with one side telling me that I am being too much while the other side is telling me that I am not being enough. And it is hard to know where to draw the line.
When you are so determined to do something the right way, it is hard to know which side to listen to. However, I have taught myself that the best way to combat that mental battle is to simply just ask, rather than assuming the feelings and thoughts of someone else.
I hope I’m doing well.

This leads me quite nicely to my next point.
As mentioned before, I can feel the perfectionism in everything I do. Even as I write, I am reading over everything I say to ensure the formatting and the wording is to the highest standard. And it feels silly to be doing so, when talking about my own personal experiences with a topic I feel so strongly for. I am rigid in what I do. Feelings may seep through, and personal thoughts too, but they have to toe the line that I have drawn to do so.
Maybe that doesn’t make sense. Maybe it is unique, the way perfectionism manifests itself and harbours itself in my life.
It benefits me in my professional life. I am diligent. I work hard and the work I produce is good. I have my strengths and I work hard to improve my weaknesses, and I internally beat myself up until I’ve perfected those too. However, I do not see this as a negative thing. I know my limits, professionally, and I am proud of what I do. I try my hardest to balance working hard and overworking and I feel as though I can balance that well.
So, in a sense, perfectionism has benefitted me in many ways. Because even though I may be somewhat rigid in the telling of my personal experiences and life impacts, I am proud of my writing too. I am often left feeling proud of what my perfectionism produces.

There is often a feeling of emotional exhaustion. A feeling of being burdened with everybody else’s strifes, while no one can stomach mine. Trying to balance the responsibilities of my home life equally to the ones I hold within my personal and professional life can often be a challenge for me. I feel lucky to be in tune with myself enough to know when this is coming on, and how to soothe the feeling.
It is not always easy to manage, but how could you expect it to be when it comes from prolonged, unmanaged stress?
I do find it hard to even try and advise what may be best if you are suffering with burnout, because it is not a ‘one size fits all’ kind of situation. I try to get away from it all for even just a weekend to reset, but this may not be enough for you. The big thing I can recommend, if advice is what you seek, is to surround yourself with the things that make you happy. With the people that make it feel as though you’re breathing fresh air for the first time. That can make all the difference in the world.

Even within my writing, I feel the affects of parentification. The need to care for those around me or for those I do not even know. I care so deeply for other people and their wellbeing that I often neglect myself and my own.
I do feel sad for my younger self. As selfish as it may sound, I wish I grew up with an older sibling so that I would’ve gotten to enjoy my childhood a bit more. I wish she had less responsibility bestowed on her than I did. I wish she didn’t feel the need to be seen and not heard. I’d give her the world if I could.

But that being said, I love my siblings. And I am so proud of the people they are becoming and the people they have become. I feel so grateful to have been in any way a part of their upbringing. I love my siblings like a mother loves her children. I hope they felt that as they grew up. I hope they still feel it now.

If I had to summarise, eldest daughter syndrome is something I will carry with me for as long as there is air in my lungs. It has its challenges, ones that I am still navigating as I grow. It has left me wishing I could change aspects of myself. It has left me feeling proud of others.
It is a complicated issue, one that I will spend the rest of my life dealing with. In a sense, healing from it too.

Everything is a learning curve. I am grateful that I get to learn, and I am even more grateful that my siblings don’t have to.
As their older sister, I couldn’t ask for more. It’s what I was raised for.